Like other forms of stress, the stress of parenting can both
build and destroy your relationship with your spouse. As in
other areas of parenting, open and caring communication is
critical.
In earlier times, the roles of father and mother were much
more clearly defined than now: the father worked as the
breadwinner and the woman stayed home and raised the
children. These roles are no longer clear-cut for many
families, which can result in conflict and stress for
everyone involved unless the problem is resolved. Most
families need to spend time discussing each member's role,
making sure that everyone is comfortable with the situation.
You should also recognize that this discussion has to
continue, because your roles will shift as the demands of
being a parent change.
New fathers come under stress in a number of ways. Many men
feel a heavy burden of responsibility, and feel that they
must now succeed financially. They often spend more time
with work, just at the time when the woman wants them to
spend extra time at home helping with the baby and providing
some adult companionship. A new father also often feels cut
out as his spouse's attention shifts to the new baby.
Hints for fathers:
While it is important to communicate your feelings to
your wife, it is equally important to choose a proper
time, place, and method. Do not expect much attention and
support from your wife when your baby has been crying for
2 hours. See if you can schedule time to talk. A good
time might be in the morning or after the baby has gone
to sleep.
Schedule a regular lunch or breakfast date with your wife
when you can drop the baby off with a friend,
grandparents, or a sitter.
Many men panic about finances when a baby is born and
begin to work longer and harder at their jobs. Unless
you share these feelings with your wife, she is likely to
perceive your longer work hours as escaping from the
burden of caring for the new baby, not as trying to
increase the family's financial security.
Most men feel awkward about handling a new baby. There
is no substitute for hands-on experience--get involved
from the beginning in all aspects of your baby's care.
Be an advocate for your wife if she decides to
breast-feed. She will need your support and
encouragement through the first 6 weeks of establishing a
breast-feeding routine with the baby.
It is enormously important that you tell your wife how
much you appreciate all the effort she is making for the
baby. New mothers often feel totally unappreciated.
Maintain a sense of humor (easier said than done) and
keep in mind that the first 3 months are the hardest
time.
Hints for mothers:
Recognize that most new mothers feel inadequate to deal
with the demands placed on them.
Communicate your feelings with your husband so that he
knows how you are feeling, and try to do it when you have
time to talk.
Encourage your husband to help with the baby, and realize
that the best way to turn him off is to criticize his
technique of child care.
Be sure that you tell your husband how much his support
means to you and thank him for his help.
Save some time for your relationship with your
husband--it doesn't have to be much.
Maintain your sense of humor. Having a new baby has a
lot in common with camping. At times all you can do is
laugh and keep going!
