Parenting a child who has been sexually
abused is not easy. Children who have been sexually abused
often develop symptoms that can be frustrating for the
family.
It is important for parents not to see their
child's behavior as being purposefully bad or naughty. These
behaviors are often reactions to being sexually abused. Try
to separate your feelings for your child from your reactions
to the child's behavior. Let your child know that some of
the things he does are not OK but that you still love him.
The symptoms most often seen can be divided
into three types: fearful behaviors, sexual behaviors, and
aggressive behaviors.
Fearful
Behaviors
Fearful behaviors may be more common where
physical pain, violence, or threats have been part of the
abuse. Possible signs of fear are:
- nightmares
- fear of a person
- fear of a type of person (for example,
men with beards)
- withdrawing
- acting younger than the child's age (thumbsucking,
bedwetting, baby talk).
As a parent you should:
- Accept your child's fears as real
fears.
- Encourage your child to return
gradually to her normal activities.
- Give your child choices in situations
where she is afraid. For example, if your child is
afraid of the dark, ask if she would rather sleep with a
night-light on or have the door open.
- Reassure your child that you will
protect her as much as you can.
You should not:
- Force your child to do things she is
really afraid of.
- Allow your child's fears to control
her life or your life.
- Punish your child for being afraid.
- Tell your child her fears are silly or
stupid.
Sexual Behaviors
There are several possible reasons why
sexually abused children may act sexually:
- They have learned it as a way to
please people.
- They may confuse sexual behavior with
affection.
- They may see it as a way to be "in
charge", unlike when they were sexually abused.
- They may have learned that sexual
touch can feel good.
Sexual behaviors include:
- increased or excessive masturbation
- putting objects inside their genitals
- touching other children in a sexual
manner particularly children younger or smaller than
they are
- being overly affectionate with adults.
As a parent you should:
- Teach your child that it is important
to keep genitals private. Make clear rules about not
touching others' genitals.
- Gently remind your child that no one
likes to be touched against their will.
- Depending on the child's age, talk
about healthy sex and the relationship between sex and
love.
- Remember that
some masturbation is normal for children and is
OK if done in private.
- Make every effort to protect your
child from further abuse. A child showing sexualized
behaviors is at high risk for further abuse.
- Make clear rules about not hitting
others or destroying property.
- Create healthy ways of releasing
anger, such as exercise or artworks. For example, you
could ask your child to paint a picture of why he is
mad.
- Use consistent, fair consequences for
aggressive behavior.
Do not hit your child as punishment for hitting others. This
is confusing to the child.
The fearful, sexual, and aggressive
behaviors listed above may be seen in sexually abused
children. However, they can also be seen in children who
have suffered other traumas such as divorce, physical abuse,
death in the family, or seeing violence. Some symptoms can
simply be a part of growing.
If your child has been sexually abused,
contact a mental health professional. Working with a mental
health professional can help the child and also families who
are dealing with the effects of sexual abuse.
